i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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