we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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