so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
