Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
