Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
