I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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