I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
