if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
