Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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