mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
