you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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