so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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