I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
