Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
