I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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