So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
