the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
