I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
