Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
