shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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