How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
