dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
