you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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