then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
