Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
