he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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