The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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