where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
