Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
