I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize