my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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