you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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