I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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