the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
