Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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