garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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