how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
