so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
