And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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