You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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