i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize