Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
