On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
