I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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