i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
