Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
