remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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