he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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