Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
