he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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