Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
