I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
