i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
