i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
