I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
