This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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