My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
