I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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