your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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