ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize