Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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