Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The power of my boobs compel you
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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