i permit you to call me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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