An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
