Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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