I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
