I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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