My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize