bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
